i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
