My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
