I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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