The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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