I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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