It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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