the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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