This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
