i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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