I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
