u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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