I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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