so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
