upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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