I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
