The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
