If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
