id be glad to
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my shit smells like andre
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize