So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
NoShamevember. You game?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
