hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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