I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
