either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
