is wine microwaveable?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
