I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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