I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
