You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
