Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
