I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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