Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
