dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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