It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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