remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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