I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
