i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
