Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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