I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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