the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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