Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize