i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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