I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
