he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
