dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
