Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
