Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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