great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
