somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
