You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
