Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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