he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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