On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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