I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
