I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
