The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
