You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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