I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
