I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Randomize
