I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
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