Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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