I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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