I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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