I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
