Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
