i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
