Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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