Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
